Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Queen's Speech

My Lords and members of the House of Commons
My government will maintain its key commitment to economic stability and growth. This will enable my government to continue to shag the public services and continue to focus on greater opportunities for incompetence and social injustice, enhanced by lax security and no protection for our constitution at all.
Delivering a bog standard class education system that enables individuals to achieve their full potential as lager louts and hoodies remains my government's main priority for Britain's future success. Educational reform will continue to drive standards down in all schools.
A bill will be introduced to enable more young people to benefit from dumb down education. Up front tuition fees will be abolished for all full-time students and a new Office For More Bureaucracy will be set up to assist those from disadvantaged backgrounds. Universities will be placed on a sound financial footing and traditions of 800 years and more will be abolished.
My government will continue to reform the National Health Service by giving more choice to patients to pay for their treatment, more freedom to NHS staff to leave or be fired and more control over hospitals to American big business.
My government will introduce a bill that will provide all children born from September 2007 with a new identity number and they shall be fingerprinted and DNA sampled while they are being born but before the umbilical cord is cut to ensure they don’t dodge their perfectly proper and normal registration as humans. A foot lock will be placed on each baby and this will contain all its information and be permanent.
Legislation will also be introduced to encourage employers to loot the pension funds and individuals to save money for their retirement, as there will be nothing else. A Pension Protection Fund will be set up to protect employers who are unable to loot enough and become insolvent.
My government will maintain its commitment to increased equality and social justice by bringing forward legislation on the registration of civil partnerships between same sex couples and marriage between men and women will be banned.
A draft bill will also be published responding to a review of the law relating to disabilities as part of my government's programme to extend the rights and opportunities of disabled people and if they don’t get up and walk soon they will be dealt with.
My government is committed to the maintenance of an effective asylum and immigration system. Legislation will therefore be brought forward to establish a single tier of no appeal system against asylum decisions, to reduce the scope for delay caused by groundless appeals, and to put in place a range of other measures to abuse the bloody foreigners a bit more.
My government will take forward work on an incremental approach to a national identity cards scheme and will publish a draft bill in the New Year. All children will now be required to learn to goose-step before they learn to walk. Failure in this important educational advancement will have serious consequences.
My government will continue to make the reduction of crime and the fear of crime a priority. The government will be implementing the Criminal Justice Act to ensure the effective punishment of dangerous and persistent offenders like out present Prime Minister (650,000 murdered, so far). Firm action will continue to be taken against anti-fascist behaviour by strengthening the powers available to schools and local authorities.
Measures will be introduced to modernise the laws on domestic violence as only violence outside the home (say in Iraq) will be tolerated and to establish a Commissioner to speak up for the interests of victims and witnesses.
A bill will be introduced to improve the services designed to protect and spy on children. A Children's Commissar for England will be established.
A draft bill will be brought forward to abolish the Criminal Defence Service, as those louts don’t need a lawyer but a strong dose of national service in Iraq.
The threat of international terrorism will continue as I intend to help Israel bomb Iran but a changing climate have led to a series of emergencies and heightened concerns for my Prime Minister’s future. My government will introduce a bill creating a long-term law that will allow our Glorious Leader and teacher to be President for Life and have Brown shot at dawn like the dog he is.
A bill will also be brought forward to improve the delivery of fire and rescue services, cutting their pay and ensuring that they can respond to the changing demands placed on them in the modern world.
A bill will also be introduced to regulate retention of human tissues after death and if we want your organs while you are still alive we will be allowed to kill you, as you are useless anyway.
My government will continue its programme of constitutional reform by abolishing all courts and establishing a Supreme Court run by new labour lackeys, reforming the Judicial Appointments System and providing for the abolition of the current office of Lord Chancellor who is also useless and was always getting into my bed when we shared.
Legislation will be brought forward to reform the House of Lords. This will remove all peers and establish an independent New labour House appointed by me, you bastards.
A draft bill will be published to enable a referendum to be held on the adoption of the single currency subject to the fecking frogs leaving the EU.
My government will continue to take forward a bill on election plots which will abolish these expensive, outdated elections altogether.
My government is committed to improving the quality of people's day-to-day lives and if you don’t move your ass we will move it for you.
Legislation will be introduced on housing that will help create a fairer housing market and protect the property owners. We know you scroungers who want a house for nothing. I paid £6,000,000 for mine you spongers and you will pay also.
My government will continue to take forward a bill on planning introduced during the last session, which will make the planning system fairer and faster without any community participation.
Legislation will also be brought forward to improve traffic flows and manage road works more effectively. Ken, the bastard, was right in the end.
A draft bill will be published to enable some local authorities to pilot new planes for school transport to reduce road congestion.
My government will also introduce legislation on energy matters, to establish a Nuclear Decommissioning Authority and to promote more new nuclear power stations.
My government will maintain sound public finances and will continue to take action to secure high levels of employment and encourage enterprise and if you louts don’t get a job it’s into the army for you and off to Iraq.
Legislation will be introduced to implement the conclusions of the government's review of the Employment Relations Act 1999.
Legislation will also be introduced to modernise company accounting and audit arrangements, as we don’t want to be found out like Enron.
A thriving not-for-profit sector is part of the fabric of a modern democratic society. My government will introduce a bill to create Community Interest Companies, which will enable social enterprises to employ people for nothing and meet the needs of their communities in new and innovative ways.
A draft bill on charities will also be published which will modernise charity law and better enable charities to prosper and buy more 4 by 4’s.
Further daft clauses of a bill on gambling will also be published. If, after all of the above you still have money, we will get it anyway.
My government will continue to take forward a programme of Regulatory Reform Orders to simplify and reform burdensome and outdated legislation. In fact, I’m fed up with all this democracy anyway; it’s time to ban it.
Members of the House of Commons.
Ye can feck off.


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